Why We Self-Sabotage Relationships, and How to Stop
The Power of Human Attachment
All human beings long for emotional connection and safe attachments, whether those attachments are to parents or caregivers in childhood, or to romantic partners or friends in adulthood. John Bowlby, the psychologist known for founding attachment theory, identified that our need for connection exists “from the cradle to the grave.” From the very beginning of life, we depend on others not only for our physical needs but for emotional comfort. Because these needs are so fundamental, from infancy children begin to experiment with different ways of reaching for connection. A baby smiles at his mother in the hope of receiving a soothing smile in return. A child cries when scared in the hope of receiving comfort. Over time, children receive feedback about what behaviors help them get connection and start to adapt based on this learning.
When parents are consistently emotionally responsive and comforting, children learn that they can safely reach for connection in healthy ways. Through the safety of their attachment to their parents, they also develop important emotion regulation skills, self-confidence, and trust in themselves, others, and the world. However, if parents are dismissive, invalidating, abusive, or provide comfort inconsistently, children are unable to develop secure attachment. They are left on their own to navigate a world that feels scary and uncertain. Without faith in the reliability of healthier ways of reaching for connection, they develop other coping strategies to seek connection—or to protect themselves. In the case of anxious attachment, children may become clingy or exaggerate their distress in a “cry for help.” In the case of avoidant attachment, children may learn to suppress their emotions and avoid reaching for connection, relying only on self-soothing.
These early experiences carry over into adulthood. A child who learned to escalate emotional distress in order to get soothing might grow into an adult who becomes emotionally reactive to get a response from her partner, making effective communication difficult. A child who learned to only rely on himself might grow into an adult who feels uncomfortable with emotional dependence and vulnerability, making emotional intimacy difficult.
How Insecure Attachment Can Lead to Self-Sabotage in Adult Relationships
When these insecure attachment strategies are triggered in adult relationships, they can sometimes look like self-sabotage. If you fear abandonment, you may find yourself hypervigilant of rejection. You may overthink, overanalyze, or question where you stand with your partner. Although your goal is to prevent rejection, the constant reassurance-seeking, emotional outbursts, or extreme jealousy can come across as overbearing, manipulative or controlling, ultimately pushing your partner away. On the other hand, if you learned to rely only on yourself because your attachment figures were dismissive of your feelings, you may find yourself uncomfortable when intimacy deepens. You might pull back from your partner, shut down when you have conflict, or lash out to push your partner away, coming across as cold, angry, or uncaring. Although you long for acceptance and closeness deep down, you may self-sabotage by avoiding emotional intimacy altogether.
Our early attachment experiences also shape how we feel about ourselves. If you experienced abandonment and now find yourself hypervigilant of rejection, you might have a quiet core belief that “I am unlovable.” If your feelings or needs were dismissed and you find yourself relying on self-sufficiency, you might hold a quiet core belief that “I’m not good enough to deserve having needs.” Although you likely don’t notice or believe these thoughts all of the time, they often get activated in situations that remind you of past painful experiences. When triggered, these beliefs can have a powerful effect, leading your body to feel anxious and you to feel emotionally dysregulated, making it hard to respond in healthy ways to your emotions and communicate effectively with your partner or friends.
These patterns are not flaws in our personality. They are strategies that once helped us navigate important relationships and protect ourselves. However, these patterns can be extremely frustrating in adult relationships, especially when we deeply want closeness but feel unable to achieve it.
Change Is Possible
The first step toward change is to understand these patterns and recognize that as much as we may dislike these behaviors as adults, they once served a critical attachment function for us as children. To start repatterning how we behave in relationships, we must first have compassion and empathy for the behaviors that our child selves developed to navigate a lonely, uncertain world. From this compassionate stance, we can start to gently explore the function that these behaviors served, and recognize the current triggers for these old, protective behaviors.
With loving and gentle curiosity of both the past and present, when our attachment triggers get activated, we can begin to slow down and notice the response in our bodies. We can identify and recognize the negative core beliefs getting activated. We can name our fear — of disconnection, abandonment, or loss of control. Over time, we can start to choose different behaviors that may feel more emotionally risky than our old protective strategies, but that ultimately help us achieve the things we desire: love, closeness, and acceptance.
The Role of Therapy in Healing Insecure Attachment and Reducing Self-Sabotage
Many people come to therapy already knowing their patterns. They may recognize that they overthink relationships, withdraw when things get close, or become fearful about rejection. Yet when those same feelings are triggered in real life, it can feel almost impossible to respond differently.
This is where experiential therapy becomes important.
Experiential, attachment-based therapy works with both the behaviors that show up in relationships and the deeper beliefs and emotional experiences that drive them. Trying to change behaviors may fail if the underlying emotional beliefs remain unchanged. This is why clients often come to therapy and report that “previous therapy didn’t work for me” – because prior therapy or self-help books only focused on behavioral change.
Rather than only talking about your patterns, experiential therapy helps us modify the emotional experiences underlying your behavior as those emotions arise in each therapy session. When difficult emotions show up in the therapy room—fear of rejection, shame, insecurity, or the urge to withdraw—we can help you slow down and explore what is happening inside of you, right then.
We then use our therapeutic relationship to process these feelings in a way that differs from what you experienced as a child. As these emotional experiences are processed and integrated in therapy, your old, negative core beliefs can start to shift. Your body starts to relax, or you notice that you feel less triggered by situations that used to bother you. You are now better able to respond in ways that align with your relationship values and goals.
Questions for Reflection:
Do I often worry about where I stand with someone when I’m dating, or feel insecure about how much they like me?
Do small changes in communication, like a delayed text or a shift in tone, leave me questioning the relationship or worrying it might end?
Do I pull back or lose interest when a relationship becomes more emotionally intimate?
Do I want closeness more than anything, but push people away or self-sabotage relationships when they get too close?
Do I feel drawn to relationships that recreate the same painful patterns, over and over again?
Do I struggle to fully trust my partner and feel secure in relationships, even when nothing bad has happened?
Do I want deeper connection, but feel unsure how to get it in a relationship?
If these experiences feel familiar, you might benefit from a relationship expert to help you create new, healthier patterns.
